WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
You Might Also Like
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order