I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
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Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Just a reminder, folks:
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Morning my dudes.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.