I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
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since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I get distracted pretty eas
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.