Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
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Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Pot warmers of the day.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?