How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
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“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
True freaking story!
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.