I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
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Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
A leaf blower, but for people.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.