ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
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Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.