When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
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*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Kids, do not try this at home!
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
just pretend nothing happened
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you