I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
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“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
(by @ZachWeiner )
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
where do you see yourself in five years?
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
[eulogy]
line?
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…