Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
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So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Very good! 👍😂
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.