Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
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Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding