You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
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My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”