I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
You Might Also Like
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.