What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
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People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.