At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
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Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
😎 🍻
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro