Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
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A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
brian had himself a morning…
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
North and South
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.