Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
You Might Also Like
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again