People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
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HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.