ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
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Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Ion see the issue
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.