Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
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What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
It’s the weekend y’all
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.