I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
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Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly