I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
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The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.