Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
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Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.