It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
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Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Thursday Thought.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.