If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
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*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise