Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
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Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round