No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
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Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.