The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
You Might Also Like
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I beg your pardon?
For those that worship cheese..
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.