Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
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“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah