THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
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It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
This is a bad sign
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.