Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
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Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?