Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
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Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold