First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
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Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Make new friends? bro out of what?
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
My friend is an excellent librarian.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.