THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
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I’m aging like a fine banana
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Do one person every day that scares you.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.