I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
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People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps