Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
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“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Venn
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.