Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
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Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies