I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
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Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*