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I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I鈥檇 say it鈥檚
ovary active
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you鈥檝e been divorced longer than i鈥檝e been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don鈥檛 get any cake
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁
Straight people are cancelled
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn鈥檛 know that. Have a nice day
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don鈥檛 kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
my good friends know that i鈥檓 just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I鈥檓 available.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.