[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
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I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
This cat wants you to take your pills
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no