[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
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Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Sending in my taxes
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
then why did i get this email
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days