Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
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This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.