If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
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“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL