me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
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Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
how to market bottled water to dads
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today