STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
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“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.