When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
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It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Attacked by a mop.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*