So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
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My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Venn
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause