6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
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Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.