*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
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Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
we’re gonna need another temp
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager