what all these pyramids be scheming about?
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*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.